*stars*

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

lots n lots of things happened... so much so that i couldnt even have peace in my mind for so many days.. have been thinking, thinking, n ppurely jus tinking.. think so much that even hunger disappear. and so much till i cant even have proper sleep.. but in order to save this frenship btw me n u, i still tink its worth it..
even after saving it, everything will never ever be the same..
the way we talk, the feelings(dun tink so much) we had for each other, the care we show, the every lil things we bother, the lil tings we do... everything disappear.. jus like that..
I've never been so infuriated, sad, and disappointed in my whole life.. this really affects me a lot.. and that till now, im still feeling terrible inside me.. seriously, i nearly fall apart..

in my entire life ive never get so furious to even think of revenge.. i wan to take revenge so badly that i wan both parties to die.. literally.. u may say that u've tolerated me.. but u dun noe that i've been tolerating u all the while.. each time u got angry of me, and that u scold me.. i've to bear with it in my heart, and giv in each time.. jus like that say when i was cooking sth at ur hse for mz, and i asked ur mum whr r the ingredients.. u got angry of me... i really wonder.. making a fren happy but ended up getting scolded by u, n i still hav to giv in.. isit worth it... its like the every lil thing i do.. u pick on me.. but since ive alr done it, i tink its worth it.. but i have absolutely no intention in making u angry... never have i.. and that day u scolded me using sms.. im telling u how i feel only.. yet u scolded me.. and again i try to understand u, n giv in w/o argueing with u.. during that period of time.. how much can i tolerate?? during then.. i noe frenship was gone.. when u said u didnt bother.. it really triggerred me to take revenge, since frenship is dead.. i wanted to humiliate u in public.. i really wanna scold u to the core.. but not to forget, a lil love still exist, n it revived frenship.. since i giv in cus the lil love still exist.. i dun wish to harm u becus of hate.. and i tink its still possible for us to be frens.. and becus of frens.. i wanna vent out my anger w/o harming both u n me.. i've forgotten wads revenge now..

anger may be gone, but till now, disappointment(cus of 2 frens), and sadness are still living inside me.
many a time, though i like u, i've treated u jus like my close frens.. i tried to be there for u when u're sad, jus like when qw is upset, i try to cheer her up, and when mz/hw is sad, i try to talk to them to make them feel better.. from my point of view(i mean no harm) sotmetimes it ink that when in play, all of u jus wanna be there.. but when ur frens r sad, angry etc. and need frens so badly to be beside them. u ppl arent there.. is this wad frens are for??.. and secondly.. talking about having fun.. i can only conclude that, out of countless outings, im only there for a few.. like ive said.. frens.. wads so difficult in sending a sms to inform u guys are going out? so wad if its last min.. cant u guys jus at least send an sms to say u guys r going, n ask if i wanna go? isit so difficult?? u ppl are my frens man.. isit so difficult to inform a fren? or isit becus of fun, u guys forget abt fren? for this, im referring to pr n zl.. zl, ure my 5 yrs fren.. i always regard u as my bestest fren, u really disappoint me.. and for pr.. i've regard u as my bestest buddy in sp.. and there was once, hw got extra class.. u can wait for him till he end his class.. and i dismiss jus 15 min later.. u can jus wait for him till so late n head for mambo, w/o waiting for me.. u n zl noe i wanted to go mambo, din even bother to ask, din even bother to wait.. isit really a disappointment? im really disappointed in u 2... feel so sad abt it..

there are too misunderstanding between me n u... for instance, those sms that day.. i'll be jus saying out wad i hear..
1.when i said im feeling better, thanks for scolding me, i mean it.. cus after u scolded me, den i realised wad i really did.. u made me realised my mistake.. but for u, u tink im acting ke lian?
2.when i say im sorry, i really do mean it.. im not being sarcastic cus im angry.. like ive told u, im feeling better, and im not being sarcastic. im in a better mood when i said sorry to u..
3.when i say frens shud be there for each other, i do mean frens.. frens!!!! i mean all of u, not jus u.. u are thinking all along i was referring to u, and u may even tink tt i need u by my side whatsoever which is not true.. im referring to frens..

thats why for me, again ive to understand u for being angry, though im being angry, really angry cus im angry n so disappointed in u, stil ahve to let u scold, i still have to giv in abit, and not to scold u back.. cus wadeva u send me, has no link to wadeva i mean to u.. i jus wanna say out how i feel, in order for me to feel better, and not to scold u.. never have i wanna make u angry k.. den when im being quiet, cus i wanna keep myself calm.. im already so angry, i dun wish to scold, or say anything tt may harm u.. im not throwing tantrums at u guys.. i jus dun wanna explode n scold out everything.. pls do understand me.. and i went to meet all of u, cus i din expect u n zl to be there... everything was pure disappointment in u guys and that ive really got angry only after u send me those msges..

well, after all these incidents, ive decided to leave u people.. not that im throwing tantrums.. for u, i noe u've tolerated me for so long, i dun wan u to tolerate me anymore, i dun wan u to get angry becus i did sth to trigger ur anger.. u had enough of me.. and that i had enough of everything.. i dun wish history to repeat again.. its really hurting so much inside.. if i do not leave.. i tink it'll be very awkard for me.. like i said, everything we used to do, wun exist anymore.. also u cant be bothered abt me anymore.. everything wun be the same.. maybe not say leave bah.. giving myself a long break will be a better phrase.. cus i tink u ppl are still my frens.. i still regard all of u as my closest frens in poly.. another reason for me to have a looong rest cus.. i need time to forget everything.. going out with the all of u, jus reminds me of the past.. i wanna let bygones be bygones.. yup..

im really sorry to you, for making u so infuriated..
thanks for tolerating me all the while, for making me happy in the past, for all the care n concern u showed to me, for the very good food i had in your house, n may other more...
thanks kb for your understanding, and for bringing back frenship..
thanks qw for your listening ear, your advice, and your understanding
thanks mz for being there for me, u noe i needed someone to talk to n you r there for me..
thanks zl for being such a good fren, and for ur listening ear once..
lastly, thanks hw for your nasi lemak n accompanying me to chat..

i need a very good rest now.. see ya people some time later in life..

*see-kay* watched the stars @ *10:27 pm*